


Time Will Tell

by cazcatharsis



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: AU, And violence, F/M, Gen, Knowing the future sucks, Lots of dialogue, Modern Girl in Middle Earth, and drinking, and hopefully comedy, fem!Bilbo, lots of swearing, modern woman, my tag fu is weak, nix that, who is not a pussy, wish i could write smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-12 19:57:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10498389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazcatharsis/pseuds/cazcatharsis
Summary: "Here is the thing about the future. Every time you look at, it changes, because you looked at it, and that changes everything else."A storm-chaser with a penchant for cussing and coffee, ends up with her old ass dropped in a pot of cold troll soup, wizard of oz style. With no ruby slippers in sight, she has no choice really but to follow a fuzzy brown robed man covered in bird poo to refuge.Completely alone, afraid and hopeless, with ‘otherworldly knowledge’ and a moral conundrum, she signs a contract and goes on an journey, with the minuscule hope that in the end she could save some lives, and maybe she’ll find her way home with all her limbs intact.Not frickin likely, but it's better than rivendell...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Repost, I had some major editing to do. And I still don’t like it. 
> 
> I know it's not a competition, but when it comes to fic I’m always shy about posting, because in comparison to some of you fabulous effing writers out there, I feel like Dick and Jane next to Divine Comedy on a library shelf. 
> 
> BUT. I also have a problem with keeping stupid ideas to myself, so here, splattered all over a couple hundred sticky notes and twelve different notebooks, I somehow came up with a somewhat cohesive story, full of smart-assery, probably OOC people because I kind of suck, a nice dose of violence, over-indulgence in naughty words, and hopefully a wee bit of romance. FYI, don't expect smut. As much as I revel in my porn I can't write it. Trust me, I've tried. It comes out feeling like 'person put tab a into slot b and thrust repeatedly. Uh uh UH. The end.' So I'm not even gonna try. /watches readers flee
> 
> but there will be cuddling. LOL. and who knows, I might grow the chesticles to write smut. Maybe. But I doubt it. 
> 
> Also, I’ve been working on this fic on and off for, what, five years? Whenever the first movie came out and I first laid eyes on His Royal Yummyness and his minions of Short and Awesome. Yah, bad huh? I had 70000 words written before I could figure out the first chapter. HAH! Yah. Backwards.
> 
>  
> 
> So, quick shit here:  
> You’ll see inspiration or influence from varied places. Nods and coffee to: Army of Darkness, Death Proof, Wizard of Oz, Raze, Dean Koontz, my buddy Ali who encouraged me (and is a character for a short time), all the other authors for keeping me glued to my screen til fuck o'clock in the morning. OH! And of course to the boys who played our favourite short hairy buggers, especially those who Tweet like mad hell all the time. Adorable lot, all of you. 
> 
> BTW, I will NOT do the 'review or i won't post' crap. It's attention-whorish. If I don't post it's because I have writer’s block or the 6 day workweeks have taken their toll on my brain. If I don't get reviews it's because either my writing sucks or the story needs work. That's it. And I'm writing this more for cathartic reasons than anything. If you happen to like it, Le Squee!  
> That said, reviews DO make me squee a little. 
> 
> A lot.
> 
> And to be honest, all the authors here could use more reviews, even people just saying, ‘oi, read it and liked it’. Encouragement in art is lacking these days what with insta-everything… yeah.
> 
> But kudos work fine as well because this way I know somebody is reading and enjoying it. It's like baking. Fun to eat all the cookie dough by yourself but there's just something so groovy when your friends nom them all and go mmmmm.
> 
> Okay, I'll stop with the stephen-king-length author’s note.
> 
> OH. Flames can join the one ring at the bottom of mount doom. Right after they smooch my brownstar.

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

All work and no play make jack a dull boy all work and no play make jack a dull boy

  
  


Just kidding

 

 

 

“Cheesies?”

 

“The fuck’s wrong with cheesies?”

 

“They’re gross!”

 

“Heresy..”

 

The 7-11 clerk ignored the banter and took her money, yawning as she did so. Jen smiled warm and bright and wished her a nice day, all the while thinking ‘what a cocksucker’, while her friend Tanis gave a saucy wink and strutted out with her nachos and the latest Car & Driver.

 

“What’s gross is fuckin’ cheesecake, you freak.” She quipped over her shoulder as she butted the door open.

 

“Mmmm, cheesecake.”

 

“It’s cream cheese in dessert.” Tanis shuddered.

 

“It’s yummy.”

 

Tanis made gagging noises as she balanced her drink on her nachos and bag of cheesies between her thighs whilst simultaneously unlocking the driver’s side of Burton the Orgasmobile, her Dodge Challenger, and somehow got inside without tragic loss and collateral damage.

 

Jen felt the need to defend her favorite dessert. “Have you ever tried it?”  

 

“Duh...”

 

The tires smoked as Tanis hit the gas and sped away from the store toward the town of Francis. Only a couple of hours... that is, if Tanis didn’t get distracted by something shiny, which happened more often than it should for someone in her late-thirties. Then again, Jennifer had more fun playing with her six year old’s toys than she probably should so she shouldn’t talk.

 

“Hey, check radar for me, would ya?”

 

As ‘Navigator’, Jen had to tell Tanis where to go and how to get there, ‘ _ just not in the way I want sometimes’ _ , she thought with a grin. Radar wasn’t exactly accurate here, but it gave her the general idea. Maybe one day the meteorologists would invest in better radar towers in Saskatchewan, but til then they had to use what they got.

 

Tanis went off the information Jen gave her and somehow nearly always found the right storm at the right time.  _ The bitch _ .

 

Tanis started seat-dancing and headbanging to the loud Motorhead blasting through the car, while Jen fiddled with the ( _ stupid piece of shit crap asshole fucking garbage _ ) tablet that wasn’t fucking loading properly!

 

“No Hulking out on my tablet.”

 

_ She never said I couldn’t chuck it out the window… _

 

“I saw that.  No tossing it out the window either.”

 

This didn’t surprise Jen at all.  You know someone a quarter century and you pick up on their nuances. Jennifer could always tell when Tanis was about to punch someone. Tanis could always tell when Jen was going to throw something.  They saved each other a lot of bail money.

  
  
  


As predicted, twenty minutes later, Tanis saw something shiny. Sort of.

 

“BARN!”

 

The turn was so sudden Jennifer nearly lost her Big Gulp.

 

Dust and gravel flew as the car righted itself and sped down a narrow dirt road, not yet soaked by the rain, towards a large red barn about half a mile down. She frowned at her dumb-ass purple-haired freak of a friend. “It’s Saskatchewan. There’s thousands of barns.”

 

“But this one’s red! Like my leg! Dude if we get a touchdown here I’ll pee.”

 

So would Jen, but not for the same reasons. Sure, tornadoes were pretty, only as long as they were  _ wayyyyy _ over there, not up her ass.

 

The Challenger spun out as Tanis slammed the breaks, the dark-skinned woman squealing in joy at the momentum and the thump as it finally stopped moving. Jen had a firm grip on her drink with one hand and the ‘oh fuck’ handle with the other, glaring at Tanis, trying not to grin herself. Someone had to pretend to be the grown up, and since she was the only mother out of the two of them, it had to be her. Childbirth seemed to turn a switch in her from 'stupid is okay' to 'I got a kid, stay undamaged'. Which was both good and a bit of a killjoy.

 

“Spazz.”

 

“You loved it.”

 

“Bag.”

 

“Ho.”

 

Tanis was out of the car before Jen could smack her one, on the phone to her sorta-brother Justice trying to find out where the  _ hell _ he was.

 

“Where the  _ hell _ are you?”

 

“ _ Francis. Where are YOU _ ?”

 

Tanis looked around. “With Ittles, near a barn... on Bob's Road.” she said with a laugh, her passenger groaning. Bob's Road was Sibling Code for 'no bloody clue', their nod to that stupid Twister movie. And honestly, Tanis likely  _ had _ no bloody clue. Her GPS was busted and, like a man, refused to ask for directions. And maps were for pussies. Jen pretty much just face-palmed and kept her mouth shut.

 

Unlike Tanis’s weenuk of a younger brother. “ _ Dumbass _ .”

 

“Fuck you too bro.” Tanis hung up, grinning and rooting around in her purse until she found her camera. Her cell phone got tucked back into her purse, as a backup when the good one was in danger of getting rained on.

 

“OH my fucking god that’s cold!” She squealed as the wind kicked up a bit, sending a blast of cold air straight down her neck. Jennifer laughed as her friend tried to imitate a turtle by tucking her head down into her neck.

 

Tanis turned the camera on and ran into the field. “Look at this! Fuck we don't even have to hit Francis, we have a gorgeous storm right here!”

 

Jen slid out and joined her, snapping shots of the clutter and the green. That was one of the best things about the storms here. The sky would be dark blue and black, and it always contrasted beautifully with the gold of the wheat fields or the green grasses. She gave a quick glance to the big red barn and much closer but very broken down house. The barn was about further away,looked somewhat new, the paint still bright in most places, but the house was one of those that looked like it had been there since 1885, wood greyed and dusty and covered in spiders and would most likely collapse if a robin so much as landed on it.  _ Actually that would make a great shot. _ She snapped one and was about to call out to her friend to hurry up and pose with the barn so they could get out of there and meet up with her stupid sorta-brother, but something bigger and nastier nabbed her attention.

 

“TEN O’CLOCK!” she called, camera already snapping pictures.

 

“No, it’s only six!”

 

Someday, Jennifer was going to throttle her friend til she turned as purple as her hair and pissed her stupid gitch.

 

Tanis clued in when she saw the ghost white funnel reach down from the blackened clouds, kicking up some dust in the canola field just to her left. “OH!”

 

And Tanis was the ‘experienced’ chaser of the two. Jennifer would have shaken her head and hit her friend with something but... wow.

 

The two women went silent as they watched it touch down completely, a small finger reaching down, stirring up first dirt, then plants, bits of wood... and yet most of it was that awesome ghostly white that stood out so clear against the storm-blue and black-

green clouds. Tanis was stunned and gaping, holding her camera up, barely, taking what was likely going to be very shaky video of the ground, while Jennifer held her camera up straight and took about forty pictures of flying debris, rain drops and ONE good shot of the whole twister.

 

Tanis couldn't keep the excited/frightened squee out of her voice when she finally spoke. “Ittles, that’s... getting a bit too close for comfort.”

 

Holding herself back from slugging her friend for the stupid nickname, she had to agree, trying and failing to put her camera down and rip her eyes from the unbelievable yet terrifying view, but managing to back up a few steps.

 

Suddenly the wind kicked up more than a couple of notches, and Jen noticed that somehow, between one stunned blink and another, the tornado grew, widening, and now, turned greyer. The sunset didn’t even reflect off it, where it did some of the other clouds, turning them pink or purple or orange, the tornado didn’t shift to something pretty. It turned darker, near black.

 

“Tanis?” Jennifer addressed her fascinated companion uncertainly, backing off another few steps, finally dropping her camera to let it dangle from the string.

 

The roar of the winds nearly drowned out her reply. “Yah?”

 

“Is it just me or did that thing get closer way too fast?”

 

Tanis nodded mutely, squinting her eyes against the flying dust. The shift of path explained the winds but not the colour.

 

“Time to go.”

 

Tanis nodded again, dropping her camera as well. “I’ve never seen one turn black that quickly.”

 

“I’ve never seen a BLACK one. Grey, yah. Black, no. We gotta go.”

 

Tanis made a noncommittal noise as she backed off a step. She didn't want to run away just yet though, something about it bringing out the rare intellectual, the one who wanted to study everything up close and personal. It was beautiful, the black against the deep green and yellow of the fields, chaos incarnate.  

 

“TANIS! MOVE!” Jen, on the other hand, was already sprinting for the car before she realized it was too late. The tornado was too close, too fast, and too strong. She veered off toward the abandoned house instead, hoping she was right. The older places had storm cellars. They weren’t the best but they were better than the car. The barn was too far and the twister was too close.

  
  
  
  


It took a slab of broken fence post sideswiping her arm to snap Tanis out of her stupor and make for the car.

 

The car that had a ‘sliver’ of the fence a foot and a half long piercing the driver's side window.

 

_ Nope _ .

 

“GET IN HERE!”

 

She threw her phone into her purse, checked where the steadily growing stovepipe tornado was, and ran like hell was on her ass (which, in a way, it was) towards Ittles, who stood waving frantically from the collapsed front door of the house.

 

“Bitch whore of a tornado killed my car!”

 

“BOOHOO. Run!”

 

Gravel seared burning paths across her bare legs as she ran, hair in her face, panic and the strange ear popping lack-of-air feeling taking the breath from her lungs, her purse and backpack flopping annoyingly around her. The moment her car slid sideways past her and rolled she screamed.

 

The very earth beneath her feet seemed to shake, the air positively vibrating with power. It roared and beat at her every step of the way, earth turning to mud, wind turning to glass. She'd never felt more frightened in her life, and when she saw Jennifer struggle with the door to come help her Tanis yelled uselessly and waved her back.

  
  
  
  
  


Jen screamed for her friend.  She was moving too damn slow, and the big fucking thing was right there.  She couldn’t take the blast much longer, dirt and splinters and just plain wind scratching up her face and forcing her eyes to a squint. 

 

She nearly lost her head when the 2 by 4 went by, ducking at the last milisecond.  The thought she saw it hit Tanis but she was already halfway to the ground before she her brain could process it. 

 

The wind was so harsh, dirt flying into her face so fast, scratching, and for a ridiculous moment she wondered if her face was going to peel off.  Slowly she inched backwards enough to slip into the rickety storm shelter.  Her knees resting on the stairs, she risked opening her eyes to check where Tanis was, but saw nothing but a column of black wind and dirt.

 

‘Shit.’

 

She left the hatch open (with that wind there was no way she could close it anyway) and backward crawled down the short flight of stairs until she hit flat dirt.

 

Not even five seconds had passed before her ears popped, the ground underneath her trembled and the door to the storm cellar was torn away.  She could feel the drag of her denim-covered knees against the ground and pressed her palms harder down, curled into a ball and pushing against the winds. 

 

The roar was deafening, louder than a freight train, with a high pitched whistle that pierced her eardrums.  The pressure in her head so high she felt her head would explode from it.  

 

And then it was gone.  Felt like ten minutes, but it was maybe 15 seconds.  She no longer felt the pull, and relaxed her pushing against the dirt.  Her body was shaky and exhausted, she yawned and her ears popped again, relieving some of the pressure.

 

Stiff and sore and scratched all over, Jennifer slowly uncurled, swiping hair and cobwebs out of her face, thoroughly drenched by the downpour of cold rain.  This wasn’t the movies.  The tornado doesn’t dissipate and suddenly the sky is blue, cue happy ending, roll credits.  In reality, there’s more wind, more rain, more hail.  Jennifer felt all three, thankfully the hail was small and sparse, but the rain only added cold shivers to her adrenaline shake and muscle strain. 

 

It took her a moment to get to her feet, bumping her head on a fallen chunk of the little broken down… well, no longer house per say, but skeleton of a house.  Most of it was gone.  As was the barn.  

 

Tanis’s car was on it’s side thirty feet into the field with a bit of barbed wire fence wrapped around and most of the front bumper torn and dangling off, not to mention the chunk of fence sticking out the window.

 

Jen stumbled upon seeing it, still in shock from the storm and thinking of where Tanis could be (hopefully still alive) and how the hell they were going to get to a hospital.

 

Not really paying attention to what was in front of her was likely not the best idea. She nearly walked into…  _ what the flyin’ fuck is THAT?! _

 

Concussion vision? 

 

Whatever the hell it was, it was at least ten feet tall and four times her width, greyish white, human shaped, nearly ass-naked and ugly as a donkey’s asshole.

 

And it was looking at her.

 

“Oi! Wha… who are you?”

 

Jennifer gaped. That. That was a fucking… whatchamacallit.  Tanis would know. She was a geek. 

 

“Bert? Tom? Where are ya?”

 

_ Troll.  _

 

_ TROLL! _

 

“Fuuuuuck!”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


TBC

 


	2. Any Landing you can walk away from...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where in the hell... ?!?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Author’s note: Say it with me. Jen, Ittles. There, you have a new evil nickname for yourself or your friends named Jennifer. You’re welcome.  
> It’s taking longer than I’d hoped to get this shit done. I'm still stuck on ONE conversation in chapter 3, and then it’s done… Life’s been clusterfucky lately and I don’t see it stopping anytime soon. Hopefully I’ll get the time to work on it while i’m in Calgary next week. 4 days alone in a hotel room at night so i might actually have time to focus :D *

  
  
  
  
  
  


*!!*!!*

 

Tanis never thought there could be anything more annoyingly painful than that sand-like snow blowing at 40 km an hour into her face when it was -30 degrees.

 

She felt both heavy and weightless, dizzy and aware, scraped and burned and thrown about like a goddamn ragdoll. She couldn’t open her eyes, didn’t really want to, afraid to, the winds were so hard and cold she could feel tears forming to keep her eyes clean, sooth the dryness. But she wanted to see what was about to happen. Would she land on the field? The barn? Crush her car?  Or would she die before she landed, torn apart by debris and the strength of the wind?

 

_Too much to ask to land in a big pile of loose hay, I guess._

 

Then, suddenly, she COULD open her eyes.  

 

_GROUND!  Oh my fuck, rocks! What is that? This is gonna hurt._

 

She landed in a pot of foul smelling, urine-coloured liquid that tasted more than a little like vomit once she inhaled it into her sinuses. The impact dislodged something underneath with a loud crack and the pot tilted, spilling Tanis and the pee onto the rocky ground, and she found herself facing up to the sky, watching as a miniature tornado retreated into a black, lightning filled vortex which looked more than a little like a black hole, that then shrunk into nothingness and left blue sky behind.

 

Tanis lay there, blinking soup-pee out of her eyes, trying to work air into her aching lungs, and reveled in her headache.  That throbbing pain where her head met the rim of the pot meant she was still alive, or at least aware enough to exist.  She made the decision to move her fingers. The left moved fine. The right, when she twitched her pointer finger, sent jolts of pain up her arm. She froze til the ache dimmed, then worked up the courage to try her toes.

 

_Okay, they work. Now, sit up. Slowly._

 

The nauseous dizzy feeling made her rethink. She laid carefully back down and instead  looked around, again slowly, until the queasiness settled and her vision became more clear.

 

_Where in the hell...._

 

Tanis took a deep breath and rolled onto her belly. Sometimes she found it was easier to stand up that way, make sure her back was alright, do it slow. She shut her eyes and listened, heard bird calls and wind through rocks.  She opened her eyes and saw rock, dirt, and the foul smelling yellow goop soaking into the ground. She felt her spine pop in a satisfying way that made her feel a bit better.  

 

Sitting back on her knees, using her arms to steady herself, she breathed deep despite the stench and took a slow peek around for signs of Jennifer, or a road sign, anything that would tell her where she was and which way to go.  She spotted her purse and pack, and some wood from the old house, and… oh man, the driver’s side mirror from her car. _Goddamn it. Well, time to get the airplane glue._  But no sign of Ittles. Or the rest of Burton. Only… and she was sure she must have hit her head a lot harder than she thought, two giant statues of blubbery mutant dudes.

 

It took her a moment for her brain to make the connection.  The burlap sacks, the pot, the pee-soup, the statues, _oh fucking hell those are cave-trolls!_  Bert, Ernie and Big Bird… _no wait, that’s Sesame Street… and there’s only two. Where’s the other one?_

 

She wasn’t dumb.  She had been reading the Hobbit since she was four and the others since she was about ten, yearly, for a loooong time.  And though she didn’t have them memorized anymore, she didn’t forget it all.  And it helped the movies had come out, though she hadn’t seen the third one more than once.

 

This?  This was from the movie. Except one of the damn trolls was missing. Fucked if she could remember which one though.  Not the cook, not the skinny one, the other one…

 

_Ah who cares. They’re stone and whether you know their names or not they can’t do shit to you._

 

That made her pause.

 

_Okay, this ain't normal. Middle Earth?  Yeah, sure.  And I can juggle buffalo and breathe fire.  This could be a dude’s fan art._

 

_Really, really dedicated fan art. Except the missing third. Maybe he’s being refurbished._

 

Tanis sat there, in shock and denial, and with a steadily growing headache, gravel burns and cuts that were becoming bothersome, surrounded by stone trolls and burlap, and wet from rain and soup.

 

_Okay think.  Confirm. Where are you?  Cause you sure as shit are NOT in Middle Fucking Earth._

 

Tanis slowly stood, tested her ability to move, stretched her arms. She seemed to be okay, sore, tired, banged up, right arm sprained or otherwise buggered, but nothing broken besides, obviously, her brain for even THINKING for a SECOND she Wizard of Oz’ed to fantasy land. A ridiculous instinct made her look at her shoes to be sure they were still her stupid sandals rather than ruby slippers.   _Nope. All good._

 

“Jen?!”  She called, her voice not even echoing from all the trees around her.   _Shit_.

 

_Well, she had been in the storm shelter, sort of, last time I saw her, so maybe she didn’t get sucked up._

 

_Or she’s dead halfway up a tree five kilometers away._

 

_Shut it._

 

Tanis stepped slowly, first making a slow ring around the stone trolls, looking around for footprints and stopping to admire the detail whoever put into these trolls. They even carved the snot.

 

_Oh god what’s that smell?_

 

The further out she circled, the worse the smell got to the northwest of the site. To the west lay those burlap sacks and her bags, so as she passed she picked her purse and backpack up, slowly, and slung them on. She’d go through them later and salvage what she could. After she figured out what the flying fuck was going on.

 

No footprints.  No more bits of her car, only slivers of wood and those nasty cave trolls. Tanis’s denial was shrinking, the more she breathed the air and heard the silence.  Modern Canada didn’t taste or smell or sound like this.  Where was the low rumble of a passing airplane at 30 thousand feet? Or car horns?  Or drunk assholes yelling around?  Even up north it didn’t smell this fresh, she remembered the smell of gasoline amidst the tree-smell. But this _had_ to be Northern Saskatchewan.  

 

_Bitch please, it isn’t La Ronge. It isn’t Buffalo Narrows.  Hell it isn’t even New Zealand.  A tornado can’t take you that far._

 

_A tornado can’t take you to Middle Earth either._

 

_Good point.  But look, Cave trolls. Burlap sacks.  A cracked stone the size of a Buick. The air, the leaves, the sounds.  I hate to say it but you’re not in Kansas anymore._

_Klaatu Barada Nicto! There’s no place like home!_

 

The rocks weren’t props, they looked solid. and she knew the cave troll stuff was filmed indoors with green screen. Yes, she was a geek, and watched the Making Of crap.

 

_Okay, say I’m in Middle Fuckin’ Earth. WHEN am I?_

 

After taking a minute to look, really LOOK at the trolls, she pretended she knew sweet fuck all about the ecosystem and theorized the lack of birdshit and growth on and around the trolls meant they were fresh.  From the warmth of the pee she landed in, it was also fresh, like a few hours.  The soup had cooled enough not to burn her, barely warm but not icy.  Hell, the fact that there WAS soup landed her on the day… Oh hell, the fucking dwarves from the Hobbit were there, in THOSE burlap sacks, not half a day ago, maybe less.  

 

She couldn’t tell by the sun but it looked to be mid-day. She might be a Cree but the whole telling the exact time by looking at the sun thing was either a myth or a long gone talent.

 

The clearing was, well, clear, of any signs of Ittles, or civilization.

 

_MIght as well face it, you’re… (addicted to love) (shut up) in Middle Earth. Until you see otherwise._

 

_Now what?_

 

Never credited for her smarts, Tanis retrieved a stick, _wait, this is a spear,_ and did what she gave so many people in movies shit for.

 

She poked the cave troll.

 

It did nothing.

 

She poked it in the loin cloth.

 

It did nothing.

 

For shits & giggles she dropped her bags, took a batter’s stance, reeled back and swung hard. The spear splintered on impact and jolted her right arm bad enough she squeaked.   _Fuckwit._

 

“Wha’ was that?”

 

Tanis fell back with a yelp, stared up in horror at the stone troll.

 

“Sounded like a chicken.”

 

That voice came from behind her, to the southwest, beyond the treeline.  Tanis skittered backwards until she was hidden safely behind the overturned pot.

 

_Fuck. Where where where wheeeerrrre THERE!_

 

She rolled to her feet, skidded out, nabbed up her bag again and ran like fuck for the cave, the hole where the trolls hid their shit (literally and figuratively). She slipped and nearly landed in something gooey at the entrance but saved herself in time, and used the goo to redirect her momentum down into the hole.

 

The approaching voices became discernable, and Tanis knew they’d reached the clearing. She took a peek around the edge of the cave and… yuck. They had to be orcs. Bones and metal and... was that pus?   _Yech_. She backed away from the entrance slowly, reluctant to stray from the sunlight but even more reluctant to face off against four goddamn orcs. Real or imagined, she wasn’t stupid. Then again, if she was dead, what were they going to do, kill her again?

 

If this _was_ the afterlife, some divine being was going to get a taste of her gnarly size 8.5 sandals.

 

The deeper she slid down into the horde, the ranker the air was.  Every breath made her stomach churn, and she didn’t want to know what or who she knelt in.  There was a slight curve and every foot backwards meant the light dimmed, until the entrance was no longer visible.  

 

A hollow clang sound echoed down to her.  The orcs must have found the pot.   _Wonder what they’ll make of Burton’s side mirror…_

 

She didn’t dare breathe.  If she breathed, she’d puke, and if she puked, the orcs would find her, and if the orcs found her…

 

Her imagination conjured enough images to make another three _Hostel_ movies.

 

Tanis could still hear the orcs speak, but she couldn’t make out anything from this distance. For all she knew they were talking orc stuff and not English.  A lot of growls and slurp sounds which made her shudder, but then;

 

“Poor bastards.”  The voice sounded like he gargled glass for breakfast. “The grey wizard musta done this.”

 

“Who cares, Azog awaits.”  A higher pitched, raspy voice snapped.

 

_Yep, confirmation, this is the day Gandalf was here. Likely in Rivendell by now._

 

She watched as the thin shadows of two orcs appeared on the cave wall to her left. _Fuck!_

 

“Think there’s anything in there?”

 

The left shadow moved, took a step forward. Tanis scooted back half an inch.

 

“Nothin’ that ain’t covered in shit.”

 

“Shit I can handle, gold even more.”

 

Both shadows grew larger as the orcs entered the cave, coming foot by foot closer to where Tanis laid flat in bones and decomposed god-knows-what, trying not to piss her pants OR breathe.

 

The shadows bent and from the sounds of it the orcs were rummaging around through bones and steel, growling and hissing at each other, with the occasional hollow thump as one punched the other.  They were so close Tanis could have lifted her head an inch and they’d see her.  Too damn close. She could hear them breathe, guttural and phlegmy barks as they discovered a weapon or a piece of gold.  She didn’t dare move.

 

She’d never felt that kind of fear before.  She’d been beat up by gangs, stalked, had more than one tornado come up on her, but those were nothing compared to the feeling of being _hunted_ , by creatures not human and not exactly animal either, and unsure what the hell they would do once they caught her.

 

A gnarled foot came into view and she cringed. _I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die, laid in mud and shit in a cave in the middle of nowhere._

 

“I smell something.”

 

Tanis cringed. _Fucking sandalwood cologne._

 

But instead of the screech of orc-discovery and a painful stabbing, Tanis heard the sound of a horn that echoed down into the cave.

 

“Elves!”

 

“Persistent bastards.”  

 

The orcs seemed to drop all they held, gold and steel tinkled and clanged as they hit bone and dirt, and the foot Tanis had in view disappeared as the two invaders fled the cave, bellowing at the others.

 

It took her a moment to process that she wouldn’t be immediately skewered by orcs. It took her another to process that the horn was elven, and elves were good guys. She considered following after the orcs, maybe, try to find the elves, they’d help her.

 

_Probably. But then again I’m a weird lookin’ dark skinned purple haired tattooed Cree, covered in blood and scrapes and shit and mud and fuck knows what was in that soup. They might think I’m a fuckin’ orc and shoot me before I can say ‘oi!’._

 

The thought, along with plain old survival instinct, left her in place despite nearby hoofbeats and more horns.  No way was she moving yet. Not until they were gone.

  


*~*~*

 

She hadn’t heard a sound besides birds in quite a while.  The goo around her was drying to her skin and when she shifted and knelt, nothing ran in to stab her or fill her full of arrows. She stayed put nonetheless until the sunlight was no longer touched the cave entrance. It felt close to mid-afternoon. Maybe 3ish.

 

_Okay. Time to move. Can’t stay in here any longer. Find water, food, painkillers. Wait, you got some in your purse._

 

As Tanis crawled towards the light, she dug in her purse for her painkillers and hoped she had water or something in her pack.   _Nope._  She dry-swallowed the ibuprofen instead.

 

The glare of something silver and shiny drew most of her attention away from the cave entrance.  She shuffled some rotting cloth and leather out of the way, and there appeared the hilt of a small blade, about 7 inches. Plain, barely decorated at all, with a bit of leather wrapped around the hilt. Heavy for it’s size.

 

 _This’ll do._ Tanis thought as she palmed the blade.  Not like these bones would need it. She wiped it off on a bit of cloth and slipped it in her purse.

 

_Okay, time to vamoose._

 

She peeked out of the cave, saw the freshly trodden mud where the orcs just were, and the clearing where the pot was rolled and the sacks were shuffled around. The orcs were long gone. As were the hoofbeats.  

 

She stepped out, slung her pack and purse around her shoulders, took a nice deep breathe to stabilize, and dry heaved at the smell.  She was covered in mud and shit, and god knows what else was smeared all over that cave. She probably looked like Sarah at the end of the _Descent_.

 

_I need a bath._

 

Tanis moved slowly, trying to be careful not to step on a twig like those dumb fucks in the movies. Paranoid the orcs were lurking in the trees, waiting for her to make her location known, she held herself stiff, eyes flicking to every shadow, thinking fast.

 

_Okay, they’re going back to Weathertop. Might take em a day or so… fuck I can’t remember, and they had wargs too. OH shit, where were THEY?  Did they smell me?_

 

Tanis had to stop herself from fleeing back to the troll horde and never coming back out. _If they had smelled me they would have come in there and killed me. They’re not patient, or smart._

 

The farmer’s house, or, well, the charred remains of it, couldn’t be too far from here.  She oriented herself, trying to remember the camera angles from the movies.   _From the clearing with the trolls, it should be THAT way through the trees._  Tanis wandered, thinking of water, food, blankets, maybe a fresh shirt or something else the Company may have left behind in their panic to leave.  They had had to leave the ponies behind when the orcs gave chase earlier, so who knows, maybe one or two were hanging about… unless the orcs killed them too.

 

 _With luck there’s a water source nearby, I gotta get this crap off me before somebody spots me and shoots me thinking I’m an orc._  Tanis always said she’d make a great orc.

 

_Speak of the devil…_

 

An orc, maybe one who was in the cave, was nailed to a thick tree with three arrows, two through the chest and one in the forehead. Tanis froze, staring. It stank even worse up close, and she retched and walked past it.  Hopefully the elves wouldn’t be back to take this one down anytime soon. She knew the elves were okay, but there was still the risk she’d end up pinned to something.  

 

The farmhouse was a lot closer than Tanis thought.  Tripping through the equivalent of half a block or so,  she saw light, the clearing, and just before it, the bits and pieces that the boys had tied the ponies to, and troll footprints.  No ponies now, so she kept going until she saw the grass and the burnt down farmhouse.

 

_This.  This is real.  That’s where Thorin and Gandalf were bitching at eachother. This is Middle Earth.  No denying this shit anymore._

 

Tanis could feel herself begin to panic. She couldn’t breathe well, her vision became fuzzy, so she knelt in the grass and focussed on her breathing.

 

_Look, you’re not going to sit here and weep uselessly like all those whiny bitches in the movies. That shit’ll get you killed.  And the way home isn’t going to magically appear, you have to look for it. You know help is somewhere close. You know the story, and the orcs are gone.  Get up off your ass, take a deep breath, pull out your wedgie and move._

 

Tanis huffed a breath, fisted her hands in the grass and nodded.   _Okay let's do this shit._

 

Her eyes flicked open to see a hairy brown leg about three feet in front of her.  She screeched before she could stop herself, toppling backwards onto her ass and reaching for her new blade.

 

Until the leg nickered at her and she regained sense enough to look up.

 

“A goddamn horse.”

 

Tanis flopped back onto the grass, part of her mind glad she didn’t land in anything unsavoury, and panted, coming down from the adrenaline rush.  If some evil orc didn’t kill her, she’d kill herself by heart attack or aneurysm or something. _Way too old for this kind of horse shit._

 

_Horse shit haha._

 

 _HORSE_!

 

Her head lifted and she peered up at the strangely calm and curious horse.

 

“You’re Gandalf’s horse. You have to be.”

 

The horse chuffed and NODDED. _Right_. Definitely Gandalf’s horse.

 

“Yup. Gandalf wouldn’t ride a stupid horse.”

 

The horse ‘pawed’ the dirt, like a ‘damn right’.

 

_Okay then._

 

“Just… I won’t hurt you. Truthfully I wouldn’t know how. I’m completely lost. And tired. And talking to a horse.”

 

The horse stared, big brown eyes paying close attention to her words, UNDERSTANDING them.

 

“I know _where_ they went. But I don’t know HOW to get there, which way. I think we have the same goal. I need to find shelter, you need to find Gandalf and the others. I KNOW the elves would take care of you.”

 

The horse nickered.

 

“Do you know where the ponies are? I remember some of the names but not all of them. Myrtle, Minty, Daisy… or was Daisy Azog’s warg’s name?”

 

The horse pawed the ground again and turned, looked back at her and walked away. Tanis took a moment to indulge in mind blowing numbness before she slowly lifted up off the grass and trailed after him. It took her a second before she smiled at the strangeness of following a literal horse’s ass.

 

“Can you slow down, bro, I didn’t land comfortably.”

 

Horse, as she mentally named him, slowed his pace a fraction and kept moving, not one fuck to give, through some more trees, with Tanis limping behind, stunned, weak and amused, until she heard the trickle of water on stones.

 

“Good Horse.”

 

The trees and shrubs gave way to smooth stones, and a small but quick river.  And four drinking ponies, all saddled and two with some baggage strapped on.

 

“ _Very_ good Horse.”

 

Horse whinnied and went to drink while Tanis gazed at everything around her. This was the first peaceful moment she’d had since she landed here, which admittedly wasn’t all that long, but _goddamn_!  Finding Gandalf’s horse was cool enough, but finding four of the ponies was a boon she hadn't expected. Hoped for, sure. Actually finding them? Nah.

 

She stepped towards the ponies, thinking to somehow reign them in and tie them to a tree or something before they buggered off again, but Horse seemed to have other plans.  

 

“Dude, not cool.”  Tanis bitched as Horse stepped in her path.  Horse merely blinked at her and shoved her with his bulky body towards the river.  The message was clear. _Bathe, you stink._

 

She glared at the body blocking her but mentally agreed with Horse, not that she’d ever say it aloud.  Sighing, she stepped back from the ponies, removed her bunny hug and toed off her sandals.  

 

“Pushy.”

 

Horse stepped away and went back to the water, keeping an eye on Tanis as she stuck a toe in.

 

A penguin’s asshole was probably warmer than this river.

 

“Oh, Hell no.” Tanis leapt back and cursed. “Sponge bath. At most.”

 

Horse nickered at her, pawing the water.

 

“No.” She pointed at Horse, laughing on the inside that she was _arguing with a horse!_

 

Horse got all four legs in the river and looked at her as if to call her a chicken.

 

Tanis crossed her arms and mock-glared at the animal. “You can lead a human to water but you can’t make her swim.”

 

Horse seemed to have enough of her shit and jumped around like a ‘roided out rodeo steed, soaking Tanis head to toe with icy cold river water.

 

She squealed and ran and covered her face, cussing Horse out until he stopped. Water everywhere, cold fingers of wetness trickled down to places they shouldn’t be, but as the cold water landed on the rock, brown and red and disgusting, Tanis saw the feasibility of a total soak.

 

The ponies looked on, bored.

 

“You’re a butthole.”  She huffed, grinning despite herself, and stomped into the water. _Dr. Doolittling with a bunch of horses in Middle Earth.  All I need now is flying monkeys._ “I’ll get you my pretty.”

 

Horse nickered and went back to his drinking, happily a few feet upriver, joined quickly by two of the ponies. Tanis shook her head.  This whole incident was ridiculous, but really, what could she expect?  It was a fantasy world.

 

As she sloshed through the waters she was disgusted to see the trail of filth behind her. A few moments in and it had started to warm up enough Tanis decided a full dunk wouldn’t kill her.  

 

The river wasn’t deep, and she didn’t want to go any further out, so when it was up to about her knees, she knelt, cringed, took a deep breath and fell back.

 

She came up screeching. “SON of a BITCH!”   

 

When Horse had soaked her she was more focussed on the cold, but now she felt her skin covered in cuts, scrapes and bruises from the twister.  The cold water stung like a bastard, but, she hoped, it would clean the wounds and maybe reduce swelling. Maybe help with infection. Still, it felt like razors and burns. She breathed like she was doing lamaze until the pain settled to a tolerable level.

 

Her hair was long enough to cover her boobs and it wasn’t like the horses would care, and if orcs came upon her, they wouldn’t care either. So while she was under the second time she stripped her tanktop and once above water, swiped it around until it was no longer trailing brown. Her capris were next.  There was no way to wash these stains out but at least she got the majority of the crap off of them by scrubbing them against the rocks, old school. The bra and undies weren’t too bad off so she let the river run through them.

 

This reminded her fondly of doing laundry up north.  When she was little and on the island, there was a choice, the old-fashioned wash tub, or a hop in the lake and pray her gitch didn’t float off. And there were no smooth river stones, it was jagged rock and a four foot deep shore lined bay, deeper as you went further out. And cold. So laundry was done quickly and the clothes were dried on the rocks and the dock, with hopes that the spiders didn’t make nests in them while sunning.

 

Her undies and clothes were as clean as they were going to get without soap, so Tanis took a moment to lay back and soak her hair again. It wasn’t as dirty with mud but that soup stuff was rank.

 

When she came up, it was to the sight of a brown-clad man holding a staff, staring at her from shore.

 

Tanis yelped and pulled her knees up to her chin, covering as much of herself as possible.  The man on shore startled as well, leaping back a foot, clutching his hat.

 

This was NOT how she had wanted to introduce herself to the first guy in Middle Earth. Sitting buck-ass nude in a creek with a horse.   _Sounds like the plot to a bad porno._

 

Tanis looked at him, and he, still clutching his hat, stared right back at her, big blue eyes dumbfounded and curious, his recognizable brown robes flowing around him, staff kinda dangling from his hand.

 

“Who are you?!”

 

Her jaw dropped, useless. What could she say?  So she sat there in the river, uncomfortable, shocked, and a little cold, when a thought suddenly popped in her head. _Here you are, with your arms around your knees, your clothes stuffed between your butt and a rock, covered in scrapes and bruises, in Middle Earth, staring at a wizard with birdshit in his hair, and you can’t remember your name._

 

She struggled feebly against the smile threatening to emerge, and the laughter bubbling up from her belly.  She must have looked ridiculous because Radagast, for she knew who he was at first sight, tilted his head and asked, “Are you ill?”

 

It took two full minutes for Tanis to be able to look at him without bursting into giggles again, and by then the water was becoming intolerably chilly. Horse had made his way over to Radagast and demanded attention, which the brown wizard gave, though half-heartedly.

 

“Sorry about that. I’ve had a strange day.” Tanis managed, still grinning at the wizard.

 

“This is Gandalf’s horse.”  He replied, lightly patting Horse’s flank.

 

Tanis couldn’t think of a tactic other than honesty. “Yeah, I think so. And those ponies are probably Thorin’s.”

 

He had his head cocked to the side, blue eyes looking over her, confused. He looked to Horse, who merely nickered, and went back to looking at her.

 

“Why are they with you?”

 

_Because I’m a weird looking water nymph and horses dig that shit._

 

“Horse found me, actually. Led me here because I, apparently, stank.”

 

 _Okay I need to get the hell out of this water,_ Tanis thought as she shivered.

 

“Do you mind, uh, turning around or something? As entertaining as this is I don’t want to introduce myself while frozen and ass naked in a river.”

 

Radagast hesitated for a second, but when Horse butted him lightly with his head, he spun around wordlessly, robes flying, to look back through the trees. Tanis couldn’t help but smile.  He was as adorable in person as in the movies.

 

 _Right, so how do I do this?_  Putting on her wet clothes didn’t sound pleasant at all but it was preferable to traipsing about naked, even though she had a feeling Radagast wouldn’t give a shit. Naked humans were just naked animals with opposable thumbs and more smart-assery.

 

Horse solved her dilemma for her, the darling.

 

Tanis watched, floored, as Horse sauntered over to the ponies, nickered, and one turned to follow him, then another. Soon three of the four ponies, plus Horse, were within three feet of Tanis, blocking the view from the shore, and the two saddled ones offered up what they had strapped to their backs. She nearly cried with relief.  After giving each pony a pat and a hello, she dug through one of the packs and found a thin blanket, likely the dwarves laid on it for sleep, and wrapped it around her shoulders. It hung to mid-thigh, which was frankly good enough for now. Once she was ashore and behind cover she could dig out her spare clothes. She was sure she packed a spare pair of capris and a tank in her bag. Storm-chasing was a dirty job and she’d learnt long ago to have a dry change around just in case.  Wet gitch she could handle.

 

“I take back any thoughts of sending you to a glue factory.”  She said as she gave Horse a rub.  “You’re adorable and awesome. Thank you.”   

 

The ponies got some more loving too. “Goes for you guys too.”

 

Radagast was facing the river again, watching Tanis as she dug around in the satchels and found the jackpot.  “Oooh!”  

 

Apples.  Eight nice fat red apples. Pony number four finally joined the bustle at the sight of food, coming up close and pushing the others to move, so Tanis made sure to feed him last.  Horse received two for being cool.

 

Tanis kept two apples and, with an internal nervous shriek, sloshed to shore with them, hoping a harsh wind didn’t blow her blanket off.

 _This is beyond surreal_ she thought, and the closer she limped to the wizard, the more nervous she became. _Don’t poke him.  Or trip._

 

Once she got to about ten feet away from Radagast, she nervously offered one of the apple to him.

 

“Uh, hi. I’m Tanis.”

 

Radagast took the apple with a shaky smile. _He DOES have yellow teeth!_ They were both about the same height, which entertained Tanis to no end, and he didn’t smell weird, which surprised her.

 

“Radagast.”  He said, offering his other hand.  Tanis took it, squealing inside her head that she was TOUCHING A GODDAMN WIZARD, and gave a gentle shake.

 

“Yeah…” She stopped herself before she said ‘I know’. That would only make this whole conversation harder. “Mind if I sit down? Gettin’ a little breezy, if you know what I mean.”

 

Radagast looked down and took in her state of undress, covered in goosebumps from the chill wind, lingering on the visible scrapes and bruises, especially the big cut on her arm.  

 

“Whatever happened to you?”  He made to reach for her but held back just as quickly, like she’d flee if he touched her.  Which, Tanis thought, she might.  

 

 _Relax_.

 

Tanis huffed a tired laugh.  “Come sit with me, it’s a long-ass, really weird story.”

 

His body shifted, and he looked a bit confused at her vocabulary, but after a moment he shrugged. “Just the thing to complement my day.”  The brown wizard bit into his apple and hummed.

 

Tanis laughed.  “Oh, you have NO idea.”

  
  
  
  
  


~**~**-

 

For those not in the prairies, bunny hug = hoodie.

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the spacing. 1. my laptop doesn't like A03, don't know why, but it auto triplespaces everything. 2. i'm too damn lazy to fix it. Would take too damn long. :D


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